Gravlax

I meant to post this before Valentine's, but couldn't find the time to do it. Sorry, guys.

But let's say you need to feed a naked woman, either because you fucked up big time and need a ticket out of the doghouse, or because some great miracle you managed to lure an unsuspecting victim into your filthy man-cave. Never fear, brother. I got your ass covered.

Just let me clear something: This shit needs planning. Not a lot of elbow grease, but definitely some planning. So get your ass ready as soon as you fuck up, or hook up.

Gravlax (grav = grave, lax = salmon) is an ancient recipe, dating all the way back to the Middle Ages, when scandinavian fishermen would wrap their salmon in birch leaves and bury it to ferment near the shoreline. Much like 17th century japanese fishermen fermented their fish in soured rice (SUSHI!). Actual fermentation is no longer that important, and has been replaced with curing.

So let's start with a 1 lb fillet of salmon. Carefully remove any bones left and skin it. If you lack the tools or basic motor skills, ask your fishmonger to do it for you, then leave the place with your head down and your shoulders shrugged in shame. Trim the odd bits from your fillet (and eat that shit raw, you big fucking pussy), then cut it in half.

Now, line a large baking tray with several overlapping layers of cling film. Place a few sheets of nori on top.

Mix 1.5 cups of regular table salt and 1.5 cups sugar in a bowl. Don't splurge the Benjamins on this shit, coz you'll be washing it off in a few days anyway. Dump 1/3 of the mix on the nori, then place the first fillet on top.

Sprinkle some more of the sugar and salt mixture on the fish, then a lot of dill, fresh or dried. Now take a small, raw beet root and grate the shit of of it on the fish. This will give it a nice earthy flavor and color it a totally gay shade of reddish purple that'll look awesome when we're done.

Add some more dill, salt and sugar and lay the second fillet on top. Sprinkle the rest of the salt and sugar mixture, then cover with a few more nori sheets. Now wrap this shit tight -and I mean italian-nun-tight - in several layers of cling film. Place it in a ziploc bag and forget about it in your fridge for 2 to 4 days.

Unlike when you're curing bacon, you don't need to fuck around with it during its curing time, so just place it in the fridge with something heavy on top and leave it be. Four days later, you'll be left with this:

Bear in mind, the longer it sits, the dryer and chewier it will be.

Unwrapt it, then rinse it thoroughly to remove all the excess brine and shit. Now slice it as thinly as your dumb gorilla hands let you and cover with cling film until it's time to serve.

Look at this beautiful motherfucker, bitch! It's like the bacon of the sea

See that pinkish coloring right there? Totally not gay... well, maybe a little, but fucking awesome.

To serve, let's make some Steward Spread. Traditionally, this is made with mustard, but I couldn't find any good european mustard to mix with my cream cheese, so I made do with the shit in my fridge. This is 3 oz cream cheese, 1 oz sour cream, the zest from 1 lemon, some dill, salt and pepper.

Also, gravlax is served on rye toast, but that's impossible to find here, so some regular sourdough had to do the trick. Spread with the sauce, then let your inner florist take over and arrange the salmon slices on top. Drizzle with some olive oil and sprinkle a few drops of lemon juice. Whatever gay-as-fuck decorations you feel are necessary are welcome. In this case, beet leaves and cherry tomatoes.

Trust me, if this big fucking hairy vagina liked it, it's fucking irresistible

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Gravlax

1      1 lb salmon fillet, trimmed and halved

1.5   cups sugar

1.5   cups salt

1      small beetroot, shredded

1      cup chopped dill

4      sheets of nori

1      shitload of cling film

1      ziploc bag

Spread

3      Oz cream cheese

1      Oz sour cream

2      lemons, zested, a few drops of lemon juice

1      Tbsp dill

1      tsp salt and pepper

1. Mix the salt and sugar in a bowl, then murder your fish with it. Sandwich the dill and shredded beetroot between the fillets, then cover in nori and wrap tightly with cling film.
2. Place in ziploc bag and leave it the fuck alone for 2 to 4 days.
3. Slice as thinly as you can, or like, or whatever, it's your fish.
4. Mix all of the spread ingredients, then serve with toast.
5. Fucking rule.

The Seitanic* Verses - Cooking Gluten Fajitas

*10 points if you got the Rushdie reference, dawg. If you didn't, lemme throw some knowledge at your bitch ass.

I apologize for the 9 month hiatus, guys, but shit got sort of fucked up in these last few months and it only just started to improve. I'm not dwelling on my emo bullshit. Suffice it to say I'm now happily married and have 3 wonderful jobs I love.

Anyway, I'm deviating from the standard, cholesterol-laden fare I so love to feature here to introduce you to some weird as fuck vegan food: Seitan. Most people (or at least, most people I know) have never heard of it, and nearly gag when they see it come out of a can.

And this is AFTER the food stylist

Also known as "mock duck", you can find different varieties of it in specialty asian food stores, be it canned or vacuum-packed. It's essentially wheat gluten, clumped up in rubbery, spongy nuggets of vegetarian misery flavored with all kinds of spices that ultimately make it taste nothing like meat or duck or actually food.

That is, unless you get off your lazy ass and make some from scratch. In that case, it's awesome (Obviously, not bacon awesome, but pretty damned good for something vegetarian.). Over the course of the last few years, our social circle has diversified to include vegetarians, vegans, celiacs and keto-ers, so I've taken the plunge into uncharted seas and found some tasty shit on the way.

Start with 1 kg of plain, all purpose flour, unsifted. Mix it with about 2.2 cups of cold water in an electric mixer. Make sure your mixer can take it, because this thing will turn into a rubbery clusterfuck in a few minutes. Turn it out to a counter and knead for a few minutes.

Some people season the dough when mixing, but I find it completely unnecessary

Dump it into a bowl and cover it completely with cold tap water, then let it rest overnight. The initial beating and kneading will start gluten release, while the overnight soaking will hidrate the starches in the flour and make them soluble enough to be washed away.

The next day, knead lightly again over a cheesecloth-lined collander and start rubbing it between your palms as you hold it under running water. Keep doing this until the water runs mostly clear, about 10 minutes. This will wash away most of the starches and leave you with mostly pure wheat protein. It will look disgusting and will not be edible. Also, you will be left with roughly half of the initial volume. Right now you can submerge this dough in heavily salted water and will keep in your fridge for about a week.

When you're ready to eat, break your raw seitan into 4 or 6 pieces and boil it for an hour on medium heat in vegetable stock. In this case, it's just water with a splash of soy sauce, a lot of minced garlic and some powdered ginger. The seitan sponges will expand and absorb some of the liquid, so make sure there's plenty of room for them in your pot.

Once cooked, let them cool completely and slice to desired size (or not. I mean, who the fuck am I to tell you what to do?) . Now you're ready to cook them however you please.

In this case, I made a simple stir-fry with whatever I could find in my fridge. Onions, celery, mushrooms and tomatoes. The sauce was 2 Tbsps soy sauce, 2 Tbsps white vinegar, 4 Tbsps sugar and 1 Tbsp cornstarch diluted in 4 Tbsps cold water.

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Seitan (Wheat Gluten Meat Substitute)

Serves 4

• 2.2 lbs all-purpose flour
• 2.2 cups cold water
• Vegetable stock, soy sauce and whatever condiments you feel like putting into it
• Patience, young Padawan. A lot of it.

1. Make a dough mixing the water and flour and kneading for a few minutes, it should be elastic, but not necessarily smooth.
2. Cover it completely in water and let it rest for 8 hours, undisturbed.
3. Rinse under cold water over a washcloth lined collander and gently rub between your palms until the water runs clear.
4. Form 4 dough balls and boil for 45 to 60 minutes in whatever the fuck you feel like.
5. Let cool and cook like chicken breast or something.
6. Be awesome and leave a comment, bro.